Marriage and Couples Counseling: Connecting with each other in Our Time Starved Lives
Marriage and Couples Counseling Toolbox Article
February 2008
Warm Greetings:
Lets face it folks, taking care of a marriage or couple relationship can be one of the toughest things to do in the world. But it can also be a source of enormous joy, fulfillment, fun, purpose, meaning and happiness.
The harsh reality we often are faced with is that the
pressures and stressors of everyday life all too often sap our
energy, leaving us feeling exhausted with little to no fuel for
attending to our partners. This becomes all the more difficult
when there are children or work obligations demanding our
attention. At the end of the day its often easier to collapse in
front of the TV than to take the energy to connect with the
person we once felt really close to.
One of the issues that frequently emerges in the course of relationship and marriage counseling is that so many couples today face the harsh reality of living lives literally starved of time. As a result, the couple relationship get shoved to the back burner – with the result that we get to catch up with each other for a few hours on the weekends, if we are fortunate enough.
This isn’t an exaggeration. Its tough to nurture a relationship when both parents are working or have full schedules, when children demand our attention and care, when the demands of day to day living seem to wash away every minute of spare time.
We used to take walks on the beach, go out to listen to music, go out for a drink together, remember? We were friends then. We laughed together, shared our experiences and adventures, we knew the details of each other’s lives. Then our first child was born. Sound familiar? The impact of a new baby on a couple is huge. It is as if the ground shakes and the world changes forever. Often these life-altering events need to be addressed and fully explored in marriage and couples counseling work.
But all is not lost. A core element in marriage and relationship counseling focuses on building a climate of friendship. Of re-establishing affection and caring and tenderness. Of opening ourselves to the day-to-day and week-to-week details of each other’s lives - once more.
It’s as if we need to have fertile soil for the tree to grow. Affection and caring are the soil out of which friendship grows. So a vital aspect of Marriage and relationship counseling focuses on developing skills which allow this affection and caring to grow and develop.
And taking time to learn about each other’s lives, showing our appreciation for each other, expressing our affection is the fertilizer of the soil.
There is no doubt about it, the stronger the friendship, the more we can work with conflict and differences. And the easier it becomes to repair the relationship after skirmishes or misunderstandings. Couples therapy can provide a wholesome framework for developing evidence-based approaches for repairing and healing relationships.
Usually the marriage and couples counseling process assigns
“homework”: a powerful way to practice newly learned skills.
An example from a couples counseling session might be for
the couple to make a point of marking the coming and goings
every day with a gesture. This might be a kiss or hug hello or
goodbye. Marriage and couples counseling sessions will
frequently include a “check in” to assess how well the
homework assignment went. It’s vital that the Couples
counseling monitor and assess the couples’ ongoing
progress, attending to the areas of new growth as well as
areas of difficulty.
Couples counseling and therapy can provide a warm and supportive space for developing skills which build and encourage relationship resiliance. So a common strategy in Marriage and relationship counseling work are simple behaviors which can be easily implemented. An example: take time to check in with your partner each day. This might take only a few minutes. An email saying “Hey, thinking about you” or “Hope your day’s going okay”.
In my twenty five plus years of doing couples therapy and marriage counseling I’ve yet to come across a couple who don’t benefit from these “check-in” behaviors. And there are many more which research-based couples therapy and marriage counseling approaches provide.
In the Marriage and Couple’s Counseling Toolbox Workshop we spend quite a bit of time looking at developing skills for building friendship, trust and safety in the relationship, particularly where there isn’t a lot of spare time. Above all, I believe that its definitely possible. Actually it’s not that difficult. All it calls for to start are a few focused minutes each day, spending quality time together and doing the kinds of things that nourish the friendship.
Take good care.
Warm regards,
Allan Pleaner MFCT
allanpleaner@earthlink.net
#415-468-2627