Bay Area Couples Training Institute: Nurturing Healthy Relationships Since 1986
Our Time Starved LivesCouple Toolbox Article Warm Greetings: Lets face it folks, taking care of a marriage or couple relationship can be one of the toughest things to do in the world. But it can also be a source of enormous joy, fulfillment, fun, purpose, meaning and happiness.
Myra Kirshenbaum in her book “The Weekend Marriage” says plainly that so many couples today face the harsh reality of living lives literally starved of time. As a result, the couple relationship get shoved to the back burner – with the result that we get to catch up with each other for a few hours on the weekends, if we are fortunate enough. This isn’t an exaggeration. Its tough to nurture a relationship when both parents are working or have full schedules, when children demand our attention and care, when the demands of day to day living seem to wash away every minute of spare time. We used to take walks on the beach, go out to listen to music, go out for a drink together, remember? We were friends then. We laughed together, shared our experiences and adventures, we knew the details of each other’s lives. Then our first child was born. Sound familiar? The impact of a new baby on a couple is huge. It is as if the ground shakes and the world changes forever. But all is not lost. The work is really about building a climate of friendship. Of re-establishing affection and caring and tenderness. Of opening ourselves to the day-to-day and week-to-week details of each other’s lives - once more. It’s as if we need to have fertile soil for the tree to grow. Affection and caring are the soil out of which friendship grows. And taking time to learn about each other’s lives, showing our appreciation for each other, expressing our affection is the fertilizer of the soil. There is no doubt about it, the stronger the friendship, the more we can work with conflict and differences. And the easier it becomes to repair the relationship after skirmishes or misunderstandings. A simple place to start: make a point of marking the coming and goings every day with a gesture. This might be a kiss or hug hello or goodbye. Keep in touch during the day with check-ins. Avoid coming or going without acknowledging your partner. Avoid extended periods without connection. Take time to check in with your partner each day. This might take only a few minutes. But be sure to give more than the weather report. If you need some “chill time” before checking in, establish this with your partner so that this is clearly understood. Otherwise this may be misinterpreted as pulling away or not responding to your partner’s attempts to connect. In the Couple’s Toolbox Workshop we spend quite a bit of time looking at developing skills for building friendship, trust and safety in the relationship where there isn’t a lot of spare time. Above all, its definitely possible. Actually it’s not difficult. All it calls for to start are a few focused minutes each day, spending quality time together and doing the kinds of things that nourish the friendship. Take good care. Warm regards, Allan Pleaner MFCT |
The harsh reality we often are faced with is that the pressures and stressors of everyday life all too often sap our energy, leaving us feeling exhausted with little to no fuel for attending to our partners. This becomes all the more difficult when there are children or work obligations demanding our attention. At the end of the day its often easier to collapse in front of the TV than to take the energy to connect with the person we once felt really close to.
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