Whether to seek professional help

Couples Toolbox Article
January 2007

“Things have been difficult in our relationship. How do we know when or whether to seek Couples Therapy from a professional?"

Warm Greetings:

Deciding whether to seek out professional help for an ailing relationship is of course a very personal decision. At the most basic level, misunderstandings, skirmishes and conflict happen to most relationships from time to time.

Misunderstandings always arise from differences, either perceived or real. They can trigger hurtful feelings, often ushering in conflict. Sometimes the issue is around personal dignity or hurt feelings. Sometimes the issue is around the question of “who’s right?” Whatever the source, this conflict often threatens the climate of safety, triggering feelings of fear and anger. Consider this brief exchange between Sue and Roy, a couple trying to make plans for Thanksgiving.

Sue: “You don’t seem to understand what this means to me… you really don’t get it at all!”
Roy: “Oh yeah. Well how about you taking the time to hear what I have to say…You’re not the only one with opinions in this relationship you know”.
Sue: “Stop yelling at me.. I wish you’d just listen”.
Roy: “I’m not yelling…And you… you should listen for once.”

Sounds like a lot of painful work, right? Now both Sue and Roy could rapidly put on the brakes and stop what is becoming a really hurtful and toxic interaction. It would look something like this.

Sue could say: “Hey Roy...I don’t feel real safe having this discussion right now...I mean, your yelling really gets to me. Lets try again later on this evening. When we are more relaxed, okay?

Roy could even reply: “Gee Sue...I don’t mean to yell at you. Its just that my blood sugar is low.. I haven’t eaten since ten this morning...I’m really sorry I came on so strong. And I definitely don’t want to hurt you.”

And the couple could well sit down and have the discussion and work with their differences and feel relatively comfortable with a resolution, perhaps some sort of compromise which they can live with. And this whole business could take less than eleven seconds.

But what about the “What ifs”?

*What if we seem to get stuck in the same painful places, we seem to be doing the same painful dances together and it really gets in the way of us moving forward.

*What if there is so much tension and hurt between us, that the climate feels really unsafe for both -- as a result, we avoid each other, hardly even talking to each other.

*What if each attempt to discuss together opens up a reservoir of past hurts and injuries that really make it difficult if not impossible to move forward.

*What if talking rapidly turns to verbal violence, with sarcasm, insults, barbs and put downs.

*What if we simply avoid painful or difficult discussions, keeping lots of intense feelings like resentment or anger stuffed inside, pretending to go along with everything?

*What if there is so much tension and hurt between us, that the climate feels really unsafe for one of the partners, and he or she shuts down and withdraws into an increasingly lonely relationship.

The list can go on…

The point is that relationships that work depend on people using certain skills. Skills which can be learned relatively easily and applied to relationship situations almost immediately. One of the most effective ways of learning these skills is with a professional specifically trained to work with couples. There are many excellent professionals who work with couples.

At the Bay Area Couples Training Institute we feel passionately that learning essential relationship skills, can make an enormous difference to the quality of relationships.

Warmest Regards,

Allan Pleaner MFCT
allanpleaner@earthlink.net
#415-468-2627

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