Bay Area Couples Training Institute: Nurturing Healthy Relationships Since 1986
Navigating Our RelationshipCouples Toolbox Article Warm Greetings
It occurred to me that sailing is a lot like being in a relationship. The key is to develop the ability to sail together, to navigate the different conditions which life presents. The birth of a new infant, the task of balancing work and family, work and relationship. Juggling the demands of children, the seemingly endless list of to-do’s and organizational logistics. Sometimes this all just becomes overwhelming. Incredibly, we adjust. And often in our attempts to stay afloat, we lose connection with each other and the relationship suffers. This is all too common especially in a world where time for ourselves seems increasingly luxurious. Where it’s all too easy for our relationship with our partner to take the back seat. The point here is not to lose our bearings, not to lose connection with each other. In a very real sense we a called on to monitor where we are at continually. It’s a bit like keeping and eye on the charts – which ocean are we sailing in now. What are the currents doing? What are the weather conditions between us? We really do not want to allow the bad weather, the storms to cause too much damage. And how to repair when the damage and hurt has been done? One thing for sure, we don’t want the hurt and pain to continue to build up. So part of being constantly vigilant and watchful means that one needs to make every effort not to let things build up. How? One thing for sure, if its an issue that’s bugging you, you need to bring it up. Complaints are inevitable: things are never going to be perfect. The crucial thing is how complaints are expressed. Are they wrapped in toxic wrappings, with insults and put downs? Are the complaints voiced angrily and harshly, so that the message gets lost in the harshness. Or is the issue held inside, as the resentment builds, never voiced, gathering more energy while the distance between us grows larger. How issues are brought up and expressed makes a huge difference to the climate of safety between the couple. And it determines the likely outcome as to how the issues come to be dealt with. Bringing up an issue gently means that not only do I show respect for my partner, but that I make a point of monitoring the climate of safety between us. Keeping issues from building up means we need to be constantly sweeping the house, making sure the dust doesn’t build up. It’s no accident that learning the skills of making repairs to the relationship, of healing the storm’s damage is a huge part of navigating the inevitable ups and downs of couplehood. And central to this is learning ways of limiting and lessening the damage in the first place. Remember, the best navigators try to avoid the turbulent waters altogether. Warmest Regards, Allan Pleaner MFCT |
I have a good friend who loves to sail. He was talking to me about the experience of being a good sailor. Knowing the tides, how to navigate different waters, how to trim the sails just at the right time, what to do when the winds blow hard, how to avoid sinking during a storm. It all comes down to simply being able to navigate a wide range of conditions.
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