Bay Area Couples Training Institute: Nurturing Healthy Relationships Since 1986
Energizing Appreciation for Each OtherCouple Toolbox Article Warm Greetings: I was in a restaurant the other day and was struck at a conversation which I couldn’t help dropping into, partly because the couple were talking loudly and partly because one couldn’t help being struck by the language that was being used.
I’m always amazed at how much more energy is put into negative interactions, into complaints, into arguments. The passion and energetic thrust is almost always much stronger when it comes to trashing our partner, complaining about what we don’t like versus letting him or her know what we value and hold precious about the person. There is an African story and it goes like this: There is a large village. Whenever someone in the village does something wrong or hurts another person, the entire village forms a circle surrounding this culprit. Each person then has to name at least one positive quality which this person has. This might be done by drawing their attention to something which the person does or has done which shows this positive and wonderful quality. So the person might find himself surrounded by memories and reminders of the times he was kind to someone in the village, took care of a sick child, helped out on a task and so on. I don’t know whether this village actually exists although I’m told it does. What strikes me is that taking the time to let our partner know what we value and appreciate about him or her is a very powerful action. Letting our partner know specifically what behaviour, what it is that he or she does that radiates this quality.
Sounds trivial and maybe even a bit corny. But energizing what we value and appreciate in our partner is an essential building block of a loving friendship. We don’t blink an eye as we put energy into complaining and trashing our partner. Yet a fraction of time or energy typically gets put into letting our partner know what we value and appreciate. Try it for two weeks. Let your partner know about at least one thing they do which you really appreciate, value, love, admire or enjoy. Remember, it has to be a specific action or behaviour. And then the quality which the action radiates or reveals. I invite you to give it a try. You’ll find the result interesting. Take good care of yourselves. Warm Regards, Allan Pleaner MFCT |
Both were engaged in a tirade of insults and complaints with lots of words like “never” and “always” thrown in, together with a good assortment of very colourful adjectives. What struck me wasn’t so much the words themselves which the couple was using. Rather the enormous amount of energy going into the conversation itself. The tone was harsh and angry, lots of put-downs and criticisms on top of strong facial expressions and the occasional fist knocking on the table. 
It might look like this. “Steve, I really appreciate your kindness and consideration, the way in which you make sure that the cars are filled with gas… and the way you always bring me hot coffee in bed each morning”. Or, “Debbie, I love your humour and silliness… you really crack me up. Also your really delicious stews which you make with such care… they really mean a lot to me.”
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